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A kitchen island, and other signs of vast middle class kitchen wealth


IN films, when two hot people hate each other, they often realise they’ve been in love all along! So why does this bullshit scenario occur so rarely in real life? 

You avoid people you hate

In films, people who detest each other are thrown together to stop a Godzilla or complete one final spy mission. That’s never going to happen with you and Colin in HR. Instead you’ll simply avoid getting into a lift alongside him and stay away from his preferred lunch spots in case the twat talks to you. And that’s your chances of a passionate love-hate f**kfest crushed. 

People are ugly

In real life, the people you hate are not hot. The bastard elderly neighbour who throws crisp packets over the fence claiming they’re yours doesn’t have the chiselled pecs of a Guardians of the Galaxy Chris Pratt. They’re unattractive, and horrible – so why would it even cross your mind to fancy them? Especially when the annoying woman at work looks more like Sybil from Fawlty Towers than Cybill Shepherd.

Your friends don’t care

Your friends have got better things to do than spend their days plotting ways to make you realise that some arsehole is actually your true love. If they even suggested it, you’d think hooking up with someone you hate is f**king stupid idea. That’s because it is.

You’ve got half a brain 

Anyone who isn’t a bloody idiot would prefer to go out with someone nice from the get-go. Why would you waste your energy chasing after, say, the dickhead flatmate who keeps eating your Ben & Jerry’s in the night and then lying about it to your face? Even if there was hidden passion, how could you ever trust them after what they did to your Chunky Monkey?

Life is cruel

Life isn’t a Hollywood romcom. Bad people rarely change and good people who’d make lovely partners stay single indefinitely. Even if your brother’s dickhead mate is your secret soulmate, life isn’t setting you up for a wonderful, fiery romance. He lives 130 miles away in Cleethorpes, which is no bad thing because he’s into Jason Statham movies and Britain First.



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