BRITAIN is governed with the sole aim of appeasing red-faced drivers with high blood pressure, it has been confirmed.
Both the Conservative and Labour party have a tacit agreement that any legislation they propose to tackle congestion or climate change must be toothless enough not to annoy Britain’s car owners in any way.
Tory MP Norman Steele said: “We want a greener future, cleaner air and safer roads for the sake of our children. We even want more pedestrianised areas for scum who can’t afford an Audi.
“Obviously we can’t have any of those things because it would antagonise Britain’s most important demographic, angry drivers who swear a lot, especially at cyclists. And who can blame them? I hate those sneaky little worms with their helmet cameras.
“Motorists have already been provoked beyond endurance with seat belts, drink driving laws, speed bumps and speed restrictions of any kind. In a frankly fascist abuse of drivers’ rights, the law does not even permit mounting the pavement at 50mph when stuck behind slow drivers, ie. women.”
Labour MP Tom Logan said: “Labour is passionately committed to a cleaner, greener world. It’s a controversial view, but we believe children shouldn’t get crippling respiratory diseases, unless reducing traffic mildly inconveniences drivers doing their shopping.
“And if any of these children have any funny ideas about protesting against climate change by obstructing traffic we’ll be straight over to The Sun to explain why they should all get 15 years in prison.”