Enjoy getting f**king polio, anti-vaxxers told


TOO much booze and you’ll remember nothing, too little and you’ll see the other person for who they really are. Both are to be avoided, so here’s how to get your level of drunkenness on a date just right.

Line your stomach

A difficult balance. If you arrive after eating nothing but a few crisps you found at the bottom of your rucksack, the first drinks could make you cackle like a lunatic or become horribly morose. Stuff yourself at Subway on the way and you’ll be horribly sober, able to take in everything your date has to say about their work paintballing trip and any chance of romance will die. 

Go for a sharpener

There’s nothing more unprofessional than turning up to a date stone cold sober. In order to be more relaxed and a bit less ‘yourself’, calling into a pub for a quick sharpener on the way is a must. Just limit yourself to one. Or two. Not more than three. Otherwise there’s a high chance the only thing you’ll be snogging at the end of the night is the bar you’ll soon be slumped on.

Hydrate

The old trick of having a glass of water between every alcoholic drink is a good way of keeping yourself on the right side of alcohol oblivion. The only problem is you’ll need excellent bladder control. Incontinence isn’t a great look for a first date. Or your date will think you’ve got a far dodgier problem if you religiously head to the loos every 20 minutes. 

Take a hip flask

This isn’t the 1920’s, so a water bottle will do, or any receptacle full of vodka. That way if the date’s a shitshow and you need more alcohol than you can reasonably consume in front of your date, you can top up in secret. It might set you on the path to alcoholism, but if your date insists on talking about their gym routine/car/ISAs it’s worth it.

Throw caution to the wind

Saying ‘f**k it’ and getting plastered will mark you out as a fun-loving free spirit. And if you just look like a hopeless lush you won’t remember much of it anyway. On the tiny off-chance that things go well for once you’ll be incapable of performing in the bedroom, but at least you can blame it on those tequila shots and not just your total incompetence at sex.



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