How to pace your four-day piss up for the Queen

BRITAIN has been sliding towards a gloom-ridden dystopia over the last 70 years and the Queen has done nothing to stop it. Here’s how it unfolded. 


Britain loses its empire and relinquishes its status as a world power under the Queen’s reign, with a few countries patronisingly keeping her face on money. Her Majesty has three children as did millions of other women.


The country is transformed by baby boomers with wild fashions, pop music, and radically different sexual and societal mores. The Queen stands as a proud figurehead to all those resisting any improvement in their daily lives and demanding subservience to a ruling class, just as she does today.


The collapse of British manufacturing and Thatcher’s war on the unions devastates working-class Britain. Inflation is rampant and unemployment high. Our monarch decides to cheer things up with a big celebration of her, which we pay for, and a fancy wedding for her son.


Son’s expensive marriage falls apart, because he didn’t want to marry the woman his mum made him marry and didn’t much like her. Poll tax riots and Black Monday. At the end Her Majesty feels sorry for herself because there was a fire at her house and she has to pay tax.


Bollocked by the nation for improperly mourning the death of her daughter-in-law, who she was less than fond of. The country suffers recession and New Labour. Queen largely indifferent, and is punished for it by spending new year in the Millennium Dome holding Tony Blair’s hand.


War in Iraq, a credit crunch, tens of thousands of homeless and the sale of everything bar the monarchy to foreign interests. The Queen holds another two big Jubilees in honour of herself and the whole country spends four days drinking white cider in the rain.


Trump becomes president, Brexit splits Britain, and Her Majesty happily agrees to illegally prorogue parliament rather than make a fuss. Has Trump over like that’s acceptable. Grandson marries a black woman who’s welcomed to the family and hounded out of the country. Pays off son’s court case for sex allegations. Another celebration is certainly due.

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