iPods, and other things teens depressingly think are ‘vintage’

TEENAGERS are appropriating the things you loved and claiming they’re ‘vintage’ or ‘retro’. And it’s definitely just to make you feel geriatric. Here are their top olden-days picks.


Teens have already gone through records, tapes and CDs on the list of obsolete music technology pawned off on them at extortionate prices. These are next, so you can have the strange experience of a 13-year-old telling you Nirvana just sounds better on a lime green iPod Shuffle.


After Kindles and audiobooks, hip teens have gone full circle and are reading paperbacks again. However only the most dog-eared, hard-slog Penguin Classics from a second-hand shop will suffice. Your manky WHSmith John Grishams absolutely will not make the cut.


Today’s teens don’t understand how kids of the 90s and 00s had to fight their parents tooth and nail to own, and then keep alive, this shitty little digital pet. Instead they wave Tamagotchis around as if they’re some sort of novelty item. Unbelievable. 


In the age of apps and algorithms that feed you videos automatically, it’s very old-school to type out the video title you want on this weird old website called YouTube. A teen will introduce you to ‘Charlie bit my finger’, believing everyone in the world loved this absolute classic of virals in the olden days, and weren’t, like you, just muttering ‘Oh f**k off’.

Breaking Bad

Remember last week, when Breaking Bad was the brand-new hit show everyone was talking about? Well it turns out ‘last week’ was actually 14 years ago, and you’re still only halfway through watching it, while your son is dressing up as Walter White for a ‘throwback’ party.


In the eyes of Gen Z, it’s a medical miracle that they are alive at the same time as old-timers from mystical bygone eras like the 1990s. Don’t be fooled, though – just because they think shit from when you were young is cool does not mean they think you personally are cool in any way.

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