‘It’s fine, honestly’ and other insulting ways to describe penis length

NEED to describe the length of a man’s package for some reason? Avoid these phrases unless you want to hurt his feelings.

‘It’s fine, honestly’

As if the passive aggressive f-word wasn’t enough, chucking in the word ‘honestly’ is sure to emasculate any bloke. If you were really being honest you’d say it’s slightly smaller than average but their personality makes up for it. Which are words no man ever wants to hear and you may as well just lop it off with some garden shears.

‘Size doesn’t matter’

Nobody has ever believed this. Even if they were presented with a massive peer-reviewed scientific research paper which proved it to be true, not a single man on the planet would trust the findings. If you say ‘size doesn’t matter’ to a man their brain will translate the words to ‘Wow, that’s a completely pointless microscopic cock’. Now that’s a scientific fact.

‘It’s perfect’

Perfect for what though? Impersonating a cocktail sausage? Be more specific unless you want a man to develop a complex. You’d think ‘It’s perfect for satisfying my sexual needs’ would do the trick. Only it won’t. Blokes need to imagine they have some sort of giant prehistoric snake down there.

‘It’s a grower not a shower’

What you’re really saying here is that a man’s tackle is actually quite tiny in its flaccid state. Even if their member swells up to an impressive length when excited, most men will not find this adequate compensation. Ideally they would like to be swinging something resembling a sausage dog draught excluder between their legs at all times.

‘Wow, it’s even bigger than my ex’s, which was really large’

This has all the hallmarks of an excellent phallic compliment. You sound impressed, and you even compared it favourably to the penis of an ex-partner. But then you had to go and ruin it by using the words ‘really large’. You should have said ‘enormous’, ‘gargantuan’ or ‘the biggest in the world’, or ideally all three. But now you know for next time.

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