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Killing of al-Qaeda leader would have been better if Lionesses did it

YOUR holiday? We’re having that. Your new kitchen? That’s ours now. Your second car? Give it the f**k here. We are BP, and we’ve having all your shit. 

Sorry not sorry. You don’t make profits of $8.45 billion by being a nice guy, and that’s what we’ve reported this year. And those profits are until June. Imagine how much we’ll make this winter.

It’s your fault. You pissed us off with that whole pandemic deal, where you all stayed indoors and stopped driving and flying and consuming. That hit our profits hard and it was purely selfish.

Didn’t think about us, did you? Didn’t think about the poor petroleum multinationals still paying to pump oil, footing the bill for your survival. Well guess what, bitches. The shoe be on the other motherf**king foot.

It’s our turn to think about our survival, and that means sky-high prices and tough tits to the consumer. The next few years we are bleeding your arses dry.

We’ve got no choice. We’ve got to act before you all start working from home and installing solar panels and all that shizzle. This could be our last chance to make out like bandits and we are taking it.

So say goodbye to your videogames and streaming services and Air Jordans and Lego sets. Enjoy your last can of Brewdog and the last bite of your M&S King Prawn Bhuna. We’re taking it all.

You’ll sell your vinyl collection to pay a gas bill. You’ll sell your mother’s jewellery for petrol. The electric bill will take every last luxury you have until you’re huddled, freezing, on bare floorboards eating cold Aldi beans from a can.

Then we’ll announce profits of $24.85 billion. Then you’ll understand who’s in charge.

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