DID you interpret your teenage crush’s every utterance as a chat-up line? These basic human behaviours were not their way of pledging eternal love:
Liking the same band as you
Back in 1993, you reasoned that anyone who was also into a really obscure band like Nirvana could only be doing it because you were soulmates. Wearing a T-shirt? How obvious can you get? What other measures of compatibility could there possibly be than owning the same CDs? Personality? Looks? Lifestyle?
Catching the same bus as you
Sure, it was the only one that went to that side of town and 22 other kids got it, but it’s hardly coincidence that the object of your silent adoration always got the 3.45pm bus to King’s Heath just like you did. Not that you betrayed any signs that you knew. But they knew you knew. And it meant something.
Taking the same subjects as you
So in year 10 Hot Lucy deciding to take history GCSE instead of geography wasn’t deliberate? Even though she knew you were taking history because you were talking about it once and she was there? Even though she never spoke to you but that was a coded message saying ‘come and get me Jacob, you sexy beast’?
Never talking to you
All subtlety’s been abandoned now. Her ignoring you in lessons, the playground, the corridors are all signs of being literally overwhelmed by lust to the point where she cannot articulate her deep feelings. Why else would she walk past not saying a word when you were right there? Exactly.
Going out with someone else
The only possible explanation for Hot Lucy going out with Darren, when everyone knows he pooed in the sandpit in infants, is that she’s trying to make you jealous. Sure, she married him when they were 23 and they’ve got three kids, but she’s playing the long game. Because she loves you.