Six lies you have to tell your partner or your relationship would be f**ked

IT’S hard to believe, but we Brits like a few drinks. However the last thing we want to do is take punishing our livers too seriously. Here’s how to keep terrifying levels of alcohol consumption fun.

Call it ‘team bonding’

Work is one of the few places Brits can’t get absolutely wrecked, unless it’s dressed up as a ‘lunch meeting’ or ‘team bonding’. A birthday, a new employee, a mass redundancy – there’s a dubious reason to head to the pub every single Friday. Drinking a Jager Bomb out of your shoe while your bosses cheer you on is just a form of ‘continuing professional development’.

Seasonal drinks

You can easily swig seasonal tipples all year. The first rays of spring sunshine? Hit the Aperol spritz like you live in f**king Capri. Summer? Cider and chilled wine. Every afternoon. Hot toddies will see you through gloomy autumn to Christmas, when it’s mulled wine, snowballs and everything else you drink anyway. Always look reluctant to accept a drink and say ‘Oh go on then’. That stops you becoming an alcoholic.

‘May contain prosecco’ t-shirts

In terms of hiding in plain sight, it’s hard to beat an allegedly hilarious, booze-themed t-shirt basically calling yourself a pisshead. For some reason prosecco features heavily: ‘Save water, drink prosecco’, ‘Prosecco made me do it’, ‘My blood type is prosecco’. Other sparkling wines must be furious. ‘Crapped the bed on Cava’ might work.

Note: There are far fewer male equivalents, so you’re stuck with things like ‘Instant arsehole, just add alcohol’. Less funny due to you proving it completely true on various occasions by collapsing immobile on the pavement, being sick on your girlfriend, etc. 

Airport pints

For most Brits a holiday is just a thinly-veiled excuse to get paralytic. Traditionally, that starts at the airport. The transient nature of a departure lounge makes time a more abstract concept, so it’s perfectly normal to have a few sociable pints of Stella at 7am. If you can couple it with a fry-up, even better. Because it’s a scientific fact that any booze you drink while eating a Wetherspoons breakfast doesn’t actually count.

Drinking games

Popular with students, stag dos and other groups of complete wankers, drinking games are great if you like going from sober to blackout drunk with none of the fun bits in between. All you have to do is mess up the rules of Fuzzy Duck a few times and bingo – you’re not just pissed, you’re willingly taking an ashtray full of lager, rum and sambuca and downing it in one.

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