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WONDERING which cretins keep supporting Johnson? These are the five types of moron who will vote for him come the next election.

Red wall residents

It’s understandable that traditional Labour voters aren’t thrilled about Starmer, whose most notable characteristic is his side parting, but he’s an infinitely less harmful choice than Johnson. Unfortunately human stupidity knows no limits, like those working class voters who praised the Tories for kindly bringing in more food banks.

Pensioners

You become more right wing with age, so the cliche goes, so pensioners will vote for Johnson. He did vow to protect the triple lock on state pensions, although it was him who suspended it in the first place. Not that actual policies matter, they’ll just vote against anything foreign, liberal or modern, because their brains have been turned to angry mush by the Mail and Express.

Rich pricks

The rich are so flush with cash that the cost of living crisis won’t impact them in the slightest. Having Johnson in power is simply a funny backdrop to their life of supreme luxury. Plus delightful people like Sir Philip Green and hedge fund managers might make a few quid in the process.

Your parents

Even if you methodically lay out evidence that Johnson has f**ked everything up, your parents will still choose to ignore the facts because he has a funny haircut. ‘They’re all as bad as each other’ your hugely original dad will announce in reference to Labour, the Lib Dems and the Greens, but not the Conservatives, UKIP or Reform UK. Let’s hope idiocy isn’t hereditary.

You

You may not be as principled as you think, particularly if you’re totally f**ked off with the whole politics thing. All it would take is for Johnson to introduce a new bank holiday for you to consider voting for him. Guilt and logic will nag at your conscience as you vote, but you’ll silence those thoughts by remembering that you’ll have an extra day off to be hungover.



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