Ukraine to win, Britain nul points: Your guide to the Eurovision popularity contest

EUROVISION is just around the corner, but how will it go down? As predictably as you expect, so like this:

Ukraine to win

Ukraine’s entry could fart into a kazoo for three minutes and they’d still be showered with douze points. So credit to them for actually submitting a song you’d almost consider listening to recreationally. Let’s just hope their win doesn’t spark World War 3, because that’s really against the spirit of Eurovision.

‘UK… nul points’

We’re the polar opposite of Ukraine. If we unleashed a top-tier banger then the rest of the continent would fail to acknowledge its greatness. Even Ireland won’t feel the need to chuck a couple of pity points our way now that Sinn Féin is laying the foundations for unification. We should stop bothering, even if we miss out on rare talents like Scooch.

You’ll attend a crap party

Sitting around watching hour after punishing hour of crap music does not count as a party, but that’s what your host will insist on calling it. Spoil their fun by recreating Brexit: slag off every mainland European country using dated stereotypes, storm out, then complain it’s not fair you’re not at the party.

The results will drag on way too f**king long

In 2022 the countries should be able to submit their scores instantly at the push of a button. Non. You’ll be forced to sit through dozens of people slowly reeling off a list of places and numbers. Skip the tedium by getting an early night. It’s not as if you’ll wake up in the morning and discover we won and you missed it.

Russia will host and win its own song contest

Having been banned from this year’s Eurovision, Russia will hold its own in Moscow. Only Russia will be allowed to enter, and songs will be about Putin’s manliness, the efficiency of the motherland’s gas pipelines, or the strength of the rouble. Russia will win a billion points and declare victory over everything forever. The winner will still be utterly shit pop-folk by people dressed as enormous wankers, though.

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