Your dad’s agonising attempts to be liberal about Pride

By Roy Hobbs

AS a 68-year-old heterosexual dad, you wouldn’t think I’d be supporting Gay Pride. But I’m actually very liberal about nancy boys. Here are some of my broadminded views.

You can’t turn gay from gays on TV

I used to believe this. It’s ridiculous when you think about it – I watched Strike It Rich with Michael Barrymore for years and I didn’t feel the slightest bit effeminate. It definitely didn’t make me wear a dress or hang around public toilets, and Barrymore’s bent as a safety pin. So as you can see, I’m a lot more liberal these days.

I’m supporting Gay Pride

When I watch Pride on TV I’ll be saying supportive things like ‘You go girl!’. That’s called ‘camp’, which is when gays pretend they’re women. Of course, some of them are women. You can spot them because they’ve got short hair and dungarees. Yes, I feel I’ve got quite a deep understanding of gay culture.

Gays have contributed so much to society

Alan Turing cracked the Enigma code. Jodie Foster was in Silence of the Lambs. Sam Fox had massive knockers. All gay, and I bet there’s loads more. I’m not saying every single homosexual has to be a high-achiever, it just shows there’s more to being gay than liking men’s arses.

They’re not all trying to have sex with you

Apparently not all gay men have an overwhelming urge to sleep with every single overweight hetero bloke droning on about Aston Villa, immigration and the wife wanting an extra power socket in the kitchen. Surprising, I know, but it means I can use the men’s toilets in the Bull & Weasel without constantly looking over my shoulder.

You can’t always tell if someone’s gay

This might shock you, but not all gays dress like Liberace or the Village People. In fact hardly any dress as Red Indians at all. They tend to reject these looks too: full drag; leather cap and bondage harness with bare chest and buttocks; Julian Clary’s gimp outfit. And what about Rock Hudson? No one had him down as a shirt lifter. What I’m saying is: let’s stop being obsessed with gay stereotypes.

Freddie Mercury

A turning point for me was Freddie Mercury turning out to be gay. Nobody saw that coming – he just looked like a normal bloke who liked a pint. I’m partial to a bit of Queen, and Freddie wrote classics like We Will Rock You and Fat Bottomed Girls (I admit that one’s a bit confusing). The point is: if Freddie could put on a good show at Live Aid, gays must be alright. That’s just being logical.

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